not all sunshine and light

its raining today. what a great day to be working and thinking. thats what it seems i have been doing all day today. thinking. thinking about where i went wrong. thinking about what went wrong. sparked by a conversation that I never would have had, if i didnt ask what they had been doing the night before. *stupid mistake* on my part. but thats life. it seems he wants to get back at me, by hurting my feelings and making me feel horrible. it'll work you know, cause i actually might just let it. well, i have let it, cause now i cant concentrate on anything but that. i mean, im happy with ryan, but something about him still makes my heart flutter. even though he hurt me, and hurt me badly. maybe im a sucker for pain, or just have a problem saying no. maybe thats my problem. but doesnt every girl seem to have this problem? what is there to do about it? the best option is to either talk it through or just to move on and never speak to him or about him again. thats hard when you are friends with his friends and you hang out with them frequently. especially because he hangs out with them at the same time. god! what am I to do in this situation? life is horribly unfair. should I tell ryan about him? and my past? or should I keep it a dark secret, never to be re-earthed again. someone please help me with this. muchos love, sam

what is it about boys that make you want to go back to them so quickly? even after you have been dragged in the mud, you always see the beauty in their eyes that makes you fall back in love with them. do men just have this uncanny ability to make girls swoon over them even if they are heartbreakers. why do you girls fall for these tricks? if love is a game, i am definitely an amateur player. my heart leads the way, before my brain  can think of the right reasons. this is a problem. life tends to put me in situations of between a rock and a hard place, for instance tonight. an old friend came back in my life, and i forgave him for everything, and we continued on where we left off. much to my dismay, the same hurtful things came back to haunt me, i mean, i have a boyfriend, i should be happy where i am, but why is it soo easy to be tempted back into fooling around with others? is this normal for someone? i mean, i know we havent been dating that long, and "fooling around" was no more then flirting and teasing in a sexual manner, but still the concious thought was there to do it. i guess i just need some time to think about life, love and my expectations of this romance.

 

well i figure i might as well update you people on my life up to now...

 school wise - school is done, but not quite really for me, see, i decided that i would slack off and not hand anything in on time thinking that was okay, but that was not the case, it caught up to me and boy did i ever have to work to keep my grades up. i am still finishing up stuff that was due in like april 2nd or so. but oh well, thats almost caught up, now i just have to wait for my teacher to get it and mark it so i can get a final grade. i hope i dont fail clinical - i will cry big time. like i have the skills, just got lazy. its not really fair that other groups get til this friday to hand in work that we had to hand in like 2 weeks ago (the only project i handed in on time). definitely some fun right there. so heres to hoping i pass that class.

friends - definitely have learned who arent my friends that i can trust.  you can only be burned so many times before you dont trust anymore. its a sucky feeling, but its true. thats how im feeling. i have one good friend though. she's been there through thick and thin and im not losing her. hopefully not. im not bitter, just cynical of some people.

work - i work now full time at my job from last summer, and its going quite well especially since my boss is great and all the people there love me. which is an added bonus. too bad im bored alot now, since im not always busy. but its a cemetery what can you expect? i mean its full of dead people. HAHA!

thats about all i can think of right now. other than going on about random shit.

night xx 

so it has officially been 2 weeks since ryan and I got our act together and realized we both liked each other and have been dating. its been the greatest time ever. :D

 

WE ARE DATING!

He asked me sunday night at midnight...it was the best easter present i got. WOOHOO! i love my ryan now. woot.

just figured id share that after all that worrying, he was doing the same to ask me. i love life again.

what to do when you like someone that you shouldnt? well not shouldnt, i mean i should like him, but i just dont know if i really should like him especially since it is really close to him breaking up with his last girlfriend. i mean we hung out all last summer, like 3-4 times a week, we were close, but then stacy came around, she dated him and he stopped talking to me. he says it was a mistake, but was it really a mistake. i mean, i know he likes me, thats what scott has been telling me, but im too chicken to ask him myself. thats just me though. always being shy. i really do like him, i mean we can walk around the mall 3 times a week and i always find something different to look at and he makes it so much more fun. what really is there stopping me? NOTHING. its just hard, i mean, we act like we arent attracted to each other, but i know i am to him. more than ever. these are bringing back feelings i once had for another friend. one who broke my heart recently and i have not fully recovered from that trauma. its just hard to move on thinking that you always be the 2nd priority in someone's life. he was more occupied with his reputation than me, and that hurt to be pushed aside. so to see him again last friday was awkward, im glad i had some good friends there to support me, didnt help that i got drunk, but it was an escape.

im sick of being single, as much as it has been liberating, and i have learned what i want, i want to go back to having someone that will support me 150% in the things i do, be there to talk to when im down and generally be there for me. these are not hard things i think, yet most of the male population find them hard to attain. saying that, i have met a few of them that are amazing at it, but not quite my type. and some others i just wont give them the chance. thats my own bad. so im sorry if i have hurt you in any way.

im sure there will be more ranting since i am full of that but i will leave this off on a happier note. --> SCARY MOVIE 4 Saturday Night with the BOY!